Saturday, March 22, 2014

Winter, O Long Winter

Snow and ice and cold, such cold. To bathe everything in thankfulness, right? Right. It is hard for me to think that there will always be this half a year of winter. Every year. Yet, as I struggled again, this year, to be at peace with where I live and with the utter steadfastness of my husband (i.e. We will probably die in this house, old and tottering, still experiencing half our lives surrounded by snow and face-hurting cold...), I realized that to be faithful in one place is a great and mighty thing. I realize that many persons are called to move to other houses, neighborhoods, cities or countries, and that is between themselves and God (and great, good blessings can come through those moves). But for me, who has been called to be the wife of this particular man in this particular city, I am clinging to and marinating myself in Psalm 37:3 -- "Trust in the Lord and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness." This verse is very anchoring for me and helps me to have some clear footholds to make decisions and "shape" my days. Before I was married I felt as if there were so many directions I could go, so many places I could choose to live but, sadly, I was paralyzed by indecision (and many fears). Though I did get to live in a few states and at least one other part of the country, I actually felt that many of my freedoms were burdensome to me. And, conversely, inside marriage and parenthood (and even the on-going decision to remain in the same house in the same neighborhood of the same city) I find so much more freedom than I (or certainly anyone from the outside) would imagine. But sometimes the sameness chafes. Sometimes I lose my zeal for "what is" and think that pure change for change's sake will not "fix anything" per se but be a very welcome distraction/illusion. Ces't la vie. Finding peace, not just resignation, but peace with joy, it's worth fighting (and sometimes just waiting) for.

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