Monday, June 26, 2006
Atticus sees his first baseball game this past Saturday. My friend (erstwhile roomate from Deklab, IL) Anna Englert comes to Minneapolis with a crew of other Cubs fans. Atticus is initiated into Cub fan-dom by watching a dismal Cubs-Twins game where the Cubbies score not a single run. He sleeps through most of it.
This week 6 has brought Atticus ravenous hunger and a new kind of frustrated fussiness. He continues to be a sweet-natured, mostly happy and watchful little person, but this jump in growth and wakefulness has been challenging for him (and us). Two nights ago after Atticus had slept well for a couple days during the day so I had been able to clean parts of the house and catch up on laundry, and after Brad had been home to give me time to myself, and after Atticus had slept for two 3-hour intervals over a night, I felt that motherhood was wonderful and not too hard and that I might be able to "do this". Today he and I both slept poorly last night and my house is dirty and I need to do some errands that I will not get done today and we are looking at 7 days of continuous travel starting tomorrow evening, and Atticus is in his crib crying (I'm giving him 5 minutes to cry since he has been fed and changed and I tried reading, plkaying with him, walking with him, rocking him, letting him play on the floor, and putting on soothing music.... He needs to sleep...) -- well, I am pretty frayed. I wrote for a few minutes last night while Brad gave Atticus his bedtime bottle. Afterwards the weight of all that I want to do and be and the limitations of my time and self felt terrible and familiar -- an unwelcome return of my old panic. Too much life, too many desires, too many people to know and care for, too much and not enough. I am not enough for it. I know that God is sufficient...that he gives all we need for life and godliness, as Peter tells us. I know that anxiousness, panic and despair all stem from a lack of trusting God's utter control of all of life. But I want so very hard and deep to live life full-tilt and right-ly. To those who are given much, much is required -- not for salvation -- Christ began and finished this work already -- I am safe in Christ before God the Father. But much is required reads to me as if we are given abundant good things, resources, it is only right, empirically RIGHT for us to give out of this abundance.
Today on shabby sleep I sit rocking my young son in my lap listening to John Fahey (album The Transfiguration of Blind Joe's Death) while typing this with one hand. I feel thin-souled, yet Christ, my Strength, my Life, holds me still. All is well.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Friday, June 02, 2006
I've been listening to 3 albums over and over: 2 Brad gave me for Mother's Day: Jake Armerding's (Folk-Fiddle-Lyric-driven) self-titled album and Susan Tedeschi's blues album Just Won't Burn. The third is a re-discovery: Beethoven's Pastoral symphonies: My mom used to play these and also alot of Debussy -- especially Afternoon of a Faun -- when Aaron and I took naps as kids. There are also some other classical pieces off the Fantasia soundtrack that I'm planning to re-look up. Now that Atticus is taking naps next to me or in the next room, I've really wanted to play him some music I haven't listened to for too long.
I also recommend a movie Brad and I recently saw called Friends with Money. A pretty lame title, but the character driven story of four middle-aged women who have been friends for a long time and are each re-assessing their lives in some fashion was excellently written -- probably considered a drama-genre. The characters are not flat and the story is not without hope though it doesn't tidily bring each story within the story to a trite little conclusion. You enter the story in the midst of their lives and leave a little later with enough revealed and resolved to satisfy and give you a few days of thought and conversation, but not leave you feeling lied to or stolen from by giving a couple hours of your time to listen in and meet these people. Brad and I were both happily surprised that this movie was worth our time and thought. It does have some bad language and some frustrating ethics, so make sure you read a few reviews beforehand if your conscience and/or taste requires it.
Besides the architecture primer I mentioned earlier, I have just begun reading Kent Hughes' (Pastor of College Church in Wheaton, IL -- where my friends Lisa, Jason & Ian Carriere and Jeff Wencel attend church) commentary on Genesis. It is on recommendation from Jeff Wencel after eluding to an on-going discussion Brad and I have had concerning Genesis 1-3. I am through the introduction and into the first chapter. Very well written...I think I will be reading the beginning parts a few times and really be thinking through them -- hopefully helping me understand Brad better and not be "afraid" to really talk and listen through the issues.
Well, Atticus is waking up from his nap. We are planning a second walk today -- this one around Lake Nokomis with our friends Leah and Calvin Miller.