Love on the Skids

I read these two blog-entries from Nancy Wilson's blog "Femina" this week. They've been challenging and encouraging me in the focus and direction of my mothering. I want to share them here even though they are "only text" and kind of long. Sorry -- but they are important to me right now. The first one is from Nancy Wilson herself and the second from her daughter Bekah who has 5 kids roughly aged between fifth grade and kindergarten.

Love Metabolism
by Nancy Wilson

All our children need our love and attention; that’s a given. But some children seem to have a greater need. You give them lots of attention and love and it seems to last five minutes before they need more. They need reassurance, encouragement, understanding, correction, praise, and plenty of hugs sprinkled in. My husband described this the other day in such a helpful way, I thought I would pass it on to you.
Just like adults have different metabolisms, kids seem to have different love metabolisms. Some adults can eat vast amounts of food, and they burn off the calories as fast as they eat them, never gaining a pound. Others can just walk past a picture of a doughnut, and they gain two pounds. In the same way, some kids can get a hug from Mom, and that holds them for the morning while they run out to play in the backyard quite happily. But little sister may need a hug every twenty minutes because she has already burned off the last one. So it just doesn’t work to hand out the affection equally, everyone getting a fair share.
Unfortunately, the ones who have the biggest needs (with the limitless tanks) can become the most demanding, which can make them the least lovable. And if Mom doesn’t just pour on the love anyway, it will only get worse. Many of the bad habits or bad behavior that little kids develop are the result of insecurity and neediness. If parents would determine to pour on the loving, they may be surprised to see some of the bad behavior or bad attitudes disappear. Kids’ needs fluctuate as they grow, so their tank size may change just when you thought you had it figured out.
So parents need to ladle in on thick, or dump it on with a snow shovel, or pour it on with a fire hose. Whatever suits you. And just like food nourishes the body, love and attention nourishes their little souls. And fat souls are what we want.


Steering into the Skid
by Bekah Merkle

If I could just chime in here for a second . . . (hope you don’t mind Mom!) . . . I had a thought regarding a few of the comments on the last post.I think there’s a difference between “responding” and “initiating” that is critical here. If you find yourself perpetually having to respond to your child’s pleas for affection (in whatever form those pleas take – whether it be fussiness, or outrageous behavior, or annoying clinginess, or whatever) then it means you need to really step it up and try and get ahead of the game. It means that you need to start initiating the hugs and affection FIRST – before the child realizes he needs it. That’s frequently quite a challenge, trying to beat them to the punch! However, if you’re the one initiating, that means you’re filling up their little tanks and you don’t have to worry about whether or not you’re reinforcing bad behavior when you do so. And, quite honestly, if you make a concerted effort on that front, you may be very surprised to see what other “discipline problems” clear up on their own. Think of your hugs as pre-emptive strikes, rather
than as responses to manipulation.
My husband compares this phenomenon to steering into the skid when your car starts to slide on the snow. Your first impulse is to yank the steering wheel the other direction (“No you may NOT sit on my lap because you’re being whiny and that’s a sin and God hates it.”) You frequently feel like that should fix the problem – but in fact it just takes the skid to a whole new level of out-of-control-ness. It often feels counter-intuitive, but you need to make yourself steer into the slide and get ahead of it. Often that takes FAR more patience, grace, self denial, and self control than it does to insist on having your standards upheld.The tricky part is that when a child is being all needy, the form it takes usually is one that tends to rub all your fur the wrong way. You don’t want to give the love, because they’re not being cute; they’re being unlovely. But remember to stoop for these little people. Give out the hugs when you don’t feel like it. Give out the hugs when the children are not acting very huggable. (Golden rule here: how do you want your husband to treat you when you’re being all needy and frazzled and generally un-cute?)